IWTAD,,,,OPJM
by DDVZ
Summary: XANA's thoughts about his life before he came to be Aelita's foster sibling.  In other words Xerv's rantings before ...well you'll see!  A oneshot tied to Hidden.  Rated for Dark outlook and mature themes.  All grammarspelling errors are to be left.


I clutch my hands to my head but the ache refuses to leave. Adamant, the pang resumes twice as loud then as soon as I acclimate ceases, a reverberating game of cat-and-mouse--only I was both.  
I'm so tired that I can barely stand, and I really don't feel like doing so. But I don't want to sit here either. I don't want to sit anywhere. I don't want to be anywhere. This room is dark, and so my eyes hurt...a breif pain from the computer.  
Incessant noise from the room adjacent, no matter how much I turn it down, it returns twice as loud. My eternal enemy. I am so cold. I shiver, and no matter how much I slow my heartbeat it won't stop. Inhale, exhale. heat emenating from the recesses of my body, dangling freely on my hair follicles, yearning to be released back into my pores.  
My throat feels hoarse, but I'm not sick. My head aches again...and again, an unwelcome visitor. the music continues, i am too lazy to turn it down again. i've done it too much, it's not like it will ever change. This pain between my eyes, or rather behind. Itch...shiver or sweat...can't help it. nervous, I don't want to sit here anymore. I don't feel weell food never is associable.  
i can remember it, i took umbrage at it long ago. I have no refuge, I will not be satiated. lust. I want you, and you...and possible you too. but mostly YOU. it should all be dead. red. bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, it sucks so bad...sometimes i muse over the possibilities: tapeworm, constipation, indigestion? perhaps any, most likely second. eating breakfast isn't always a guarantee anymore.  
i can still see the scratch in my glasses. there forever. i want to just hang laxly and let my body descend into and through the floor forever. my neck hurts, it won't hold my head anymore. my headache's worse; it hates me. noone notices unless i tell them. i could walk around with blood dripping freely and noone would notice. if i change anything it isn't noticed for a week. i wanna just leave the spelling but i can't...i don't kow why. i did it...haha. my knees hurt and so does my back. my hands burn and my wrists ache. my fingers tingle and give off slight pangs. my shoulders are eteched in this position. i did it three times so far. spelling i mean. on one side now. she came in. were talking it's annoying. I minimized the window. but she won't leave.  
despite myself i laubh, hypocrite. good thing i learned how to type. she left for now. bitch. they all are. so fucking selfish. my mind is hazed over. i can't think straight i'm so tired. the headaches in the base of my neck by now. i want them all dead.  
the window's still minimized. I WANT THEM ALL DEAD. IWANTTHEMALLDEAD!!!! IWANTTHEMALLDEAD!!!! or perhaps just me . as long as I depart with their selfishness and snobbishness for an eternity, i hate it here. it's always me as below average plus friend who is epitomy. I can'g take it anuymore. more splelling errors. i can teell, even though the window isn't there. i won't correct them too lazy. the music finally stopped, not sure exactly when. it will be on again soon, louder.  
I WANT THEM ALL DEAD...or perhaps just me. my headaches gone; i have to go to the bathroom. but it's just a stupid whatever (prostate?) i dunno. they say i'm a no for cancer. but...i guess they'd know. i still sorta wanna believe. i wanna be messed up so i can get pity. but then i slap myself about for taking pity, pushing myself even lower. it's a deadly downward spiral. i can't escape it without leaving entirely. but still...why?  
Why can none of them be like me? like what I like? think like I do? I guess I just realize too many things. I've had no clouds for over a year now. they're home, I have to finish up. Stomach cramping, but not from what you think it is. just a random pain. I get them all the time, but if someone else does they complain. I hate them.  
I WANT THEM ALL DEAD...OR PERHAPS JUST ME. 


End file.
